As I have heretofore disclosed, I love being a Mom! And I spend much thought on what may be best for Samuel, who is now 2 1/2 months old and seems a contented baby. Thus far, I have simply focused on meeting his needs as I see them. A few days ago though, mainly out of curiosity, I picked up Babywise, which I received at a shower. I find many great recommendations therein, but I remain somewhat unconvinced by others. For example, I find setting a feed/wake/sleep pattern (in this order) a very good idea. Since he was born, I've been nursing Samuel roughly every three hours, so that wasn't a big change, but I haven't been strictly organizing his sleep patterns. I love the regularity that the suggested routine has brought me. I am getting more done, and Samuel really is sleeping better, or rather, more consistently.
That being said, my biggest question remains concerning the manner in which I let him fall asleep. Dr. Ezzo insists that a mother let her baby cry himself to sleep every time... no "sleeping props" (i.e. rocking or nursing to sleep, or sleeping with Mama), which he considers dangerous because they create a reliance on Mom to be able to fall asleep. I do think it's a good skill for baby be able to fall asleep on his own, but I am presently having a hard time with this. Granted, I haven't purposely let him just cry since he was born, and neither of us is used to it. So when I've tried it, he has wailed out of his sweet little mind. Despite the amount of time I've let him cry, he has not yet succeeded in falling asleep completely on his own. Maybe I haven't waited long enough. If I hold him until he's close to sleep, then put him down, he can fall asleep. He can also sometimes wake up during his slumber and fall back to sleep by himself.
What are your opinions on this? Despite his expertise on many points, in my mind, Dr. Ezzo isn't giving babies enough credit. I have reason to believe that they are more coherent and feeling than he propagates. He seems to believe that it is possible to "spoil a baby," thus leaving him unprepared for life. If I can get Samuel to sleep or near to sleep (by swaddling him, singing to him, or taking him on a walk) in the same time it would take him to cry himself to sleep, why not choose the less stressful path for both of us? Is there danger in this? Will the manner in which he falls to sleep minimize the quality of his sleep or lessen his ability to sleep through the night? If I help him get to sleep, will it undermine my ability to set boundaries for him once he understands them?
You are the experts. What have you found? Any thoughts? Ideas? Observations? Success stories? If it turns out that letting him cry himself to sleep every time is better for us, I am open to that. Talk to me.
26 comments:
I'll share my opinion! (I'm not saying this is the only way, it's just worked with me and my two girls!)
Babies love comfort. And I think it is rough to just drop them in the crib and just let them cry. But, they also need to learn how to go to sleep on their own. I found that the first couple nights of crying to sleep are pretty rough, but over a few days, they quickly learn that you are not going to come back in the room and they learn to just go to sleep.
If you, as a parent, can make that situation a little more comfortable for them, then it can work even better. So, with that being said, here's what I think.
I am a firm believer in giving an extra big, warm bottle a half hour before bed. That way they are not falling asleep with the comfort of sucking on something, yet their bellies are nice and extra-full for bed time(food-coma, if you will :)) This works well as they get older, because you can brush their teeth after having the bottle/feeding, before bed.
Also, I know that it seems horrible to give a binki, but I loved giving Ava a binki. It makes things so easy... The only down side was helping her ween off... When she did use the binki, we ONLY gave it to her when she slept (we never let her have it during the day). We had tough moments here and there getting her off, so make sure that you would really want to go that route. (It wasn't as bad as it sounds :)!)
Lauren, won't typically take binkis, so I had to find another "comfort" for her to go to sleep along with that extra big bottle... that comfort turned out to be a super soft and snuggly blanket. And, in a way, we have trained her so that when we put it in her arms, she holds it close and snuggles to sleep. She will still whimper when we close the door at night, but it's minimal and lasts only moments (not as magical as the binki!).
Whatever you choose to do, make sure that you are consistent. It's a lot like the Pavlovian Theory of conditioning. Overtime, they will realize that while you are doing your bedtime routine, that bedtime is closer and they prepare for that.
Your baby will cry at first. They will seem heart-broken. But they will learn. 2 1/2 months is still so tiny, so don't stress out about it... but over the next few months when he is a little bigger, it won't hurt him to cry.
A lot of people think that parents who let their kids cry are heartless. I do it, but it sure breaks my heart hearing them cry. Sometimes they sound so pitiful and sad, and I want to go 'rescue' them. But have the strength to give them a chance to fall asleep. Like I said before, if you make sure their needs are met and they are 'fat and happy', they'll do just fine.
Ava was a super good sleeper (even with a binki:>) and slept an average of 12-13 hours a night, along with 3 hours naps in the day... Lauren sleeps 10-13 hours a night, with 2-3 hour naps during the day... (Ava likes to wake her up a lot, so that's where some sleep deprivation comes in sometimes!)
Wow! How's that for an opinion! Anway, like I said at the top, this is just what has worked for me... it's probably not the only way! Parenting is simply a guessing game. I thought with my second child I'd have all the answers, but I am still asking away like you, because each child is so different! Good luck, and tell us how it goes! Sorry for hammering you with all that! Whew!
I have been told by a friend that I have to read that book... but i haven't yet. So, all I know about the book is what you have just told me. I have not gotten Dennis to sleep through the night yet...being preemie, thats normal. Dennis isnt much of a cryer- he just fusses because he has to burp or pass gas. I think I just sudate him with milk before he sleeps. As for the spoiling the baby... I think thats nonsense. I slept with my parents until I was 3. My brothers all slept with them. I really do not think it affected me in a bad way. I think it was good for me. Now, I think that parents would prefer not to do that! The transition to going to my own room, Im sure was hard for my parents because I remember hating it. But, this is an extreme case. As for getting Dennis to sleep through the night, I have no idea... so maybe this book will have some points for me.
Nonie, you're such a good mom! For me 2 1/2 months is WAY too young to start letting them cry it out. I know there are people who swear by it, but I just can't do it- it makes me sad! I think that eventually it is really important to show a little tough love and let them cry, but with my kids I didn't start until they were about 6 months. That is just a personal preference though. If you want to do it now you can, and Samuel will adjust quickly. Amy is right- the first few nights are REALLY rough, but then on the 4th or 5th night they usually go right to sleep. (And then you'll think, Why didn't I do this sooner?) :) Love ya!
I have a disclaimer: some of my opinions are heavily biased by my medical background! :)
I read Babywise too, and for the most part integrated what they taught into Wyatt's routine- starting pretty much from the beginning- I finished it when he was just a few weeks old. I really agree with most of what they set forth, and it made good sense to me knowing what I do about newborns and their digestive, sleeping, eating, crying, etc routines.
I modified it a little- like you have- to not be so strict with the sleep props. I almost always swaddled him, and I offered him a pacifier if he started fussing (recent studies by the American Academy of Pediatrics show it can actually DECREASE the risk of SIDS to offer a pacy at naptimes and bedtime), and I usually waited until he was calm and drowsy before I put him down. That way he fell asleep on his own but didn't have to cry a whole lot. I gradually let him be a little more awake when I put him down, until we got to where I could put him in his crib wide awake, and he would understand that cue and settle himself down with nary a peep. It was awesome! Wyatt started sleeping all through the night by about 12 weeks, and now he's nearly 2 and I can put him down any time, anywhere and even if he stays awake for little while, he doesn't complain at all.
I feel I would be a little remiss if I didn't say though, that sleeping with your baby is risky. I know nobody thinks it's a problem in this day and age, but I can tell you firsthand: it is. And it's sad. I have NO PROBLEM with rocking your baby to sleep, singing to him, snuggle and cuddle as much as you like while you are awake- but if YOU are sleeping, he really ought to be by himself in a crib or bassinet or whatever. The risk goes down substantially once he's old enough to roll over and move himself away if something gets in the way of his breathing, but by that time, you probably won't be crazy about sharing a bed with him anyway- you won't get much sleep! Here, now let me climb down off this soapbox... :)
I guess my conclusion was that the ideas in Babywise were great, and I was more than willing to try them as long as it didn't interfere with my own little mantra: Healthy mom, healthy baby. If once in a while I let Wyatt fall asleep in the swing, or let him fall asleep while I was burping him in order to save my own sanity, I'd do it. Remember to be sure your needs are met as well, because you can do a better job caring for your little man cub if you have a full reservoir to draw from.
You have also been blessed with the Spirit to guide you, and good Mommy Judgment to meet Samuel's needs as you see fit. Don't be afraid to use those, too.
That was quite a sermon, and was probably more than you bargained for! Sorry! And best wishes of lots of good naps and happy baby smiles.
Love love love!
The best advice I ever got was that you know your baby the best. Trust your heart and do what it tells you is best. I also think that there is NO WAY you can spoil a baby that young. They need love, reassurance. After all they haven't been in this big cold world for very long. When you go to sleep yourself, don't you like to be comfortable and warm? (and I usually do something that helps me fall asleep like read and it helps that Craig is nearby). He will learn to fall asleep on his own before long. (I do think binkies can help and the full tummy is an asset). Perhaps a consistent "go-to-be" routine will help encourage that - read, sing, rock. Something to comfort, reassure and relax.
Whatever - You are the best mom and dad for him. You know him better than anyone else in the world (except Heavenly Father). Get all the good advice you can and then make your own path with him.
Love you!!!
Hi, Nonie,
Well, since you asked for opinions, here goes. I agree that 2 1/2 months seems a little too soon. I was very good about following a certain method to get my babies to sleep through the night, but not so good about actually getting them to fall asleep on their own. With our twins, we used all the "props" as you call them. We rocked, rubbed backs, bounced one on each knee while sitting on the bed, etc. Then I watched Aunt Sarah put Hannah to bed at the cabin. She laid her in the crib, said good night and closed the door. Hannah went immediately to sleep. Wow! So, with Eden, I tried it. It took 3-5 days, but it worked! I loved it! Yes, she had to cry, but you can go in every few minutes and comfort Samuel a little (rub his back, talk to him, sing a little song, etc.) so he knows that you are still around, but then leave the room. Just try not to give in and he will soon learn to fall asleep by himself. This was essential to me with 3 kids under 20 months. (I lived for naps! All three slept at the same time every day. It was the best!) Sorry so long. I told you the advice given to me about sleeping through the night. When you're ready, ask again.
Auntie Moose
P.S. Over the years, Eden was always easier to get to bed than my boys. She went to bed at a normal time, woke at a normal time with a big smile on her face. My boys, for years (and still) would not go to bed at a reasonable time. We tried changing sleep patterns, etc. (Ferber method), but they could never fall asleep until very late. I don't know if it had anything to do with our getting them to fall asleep with all those "props", but I suspect it did. (When it comes down to it, I think Mother's "intuition" is better than any book. There's nothing sweeter than rocking a baby to sleep.) Good luck. Sorry again for the length. If anyone has advice for getting teenagers to bed (and out of bed), send it my way.
I've been a babywise finatic from day one because I knew in 8 weeks I'd be back to work and that having Brooklynn on a routine would make her happier with some structure while I was away (and easier for the nanny). One book I did find helpful to cross reference with babywise is "12 hours of sleep by 12 weeks old". I liked it because it talks about coaching the baby to self soothe instead of just shutting the nursery door and letting them alone. That part was really hard for me, and I found this other method helpful, especially when they are younger than 3 months.
I really am learning this just as you are, I don't mean to sound like I know what I'm doing :)
Good luck!
Nonie,
Thanks for the invitation to comment on the question, "Am I spoiling my child?", which is going to provide you with endless fuel for contemplation for many years to come.
I can say with full confidence that Dr. Ezzo is up in the night on this one, or ought to have been. Perhaps he never experimented with it, and thus doesn't know any other way.
I say, if you want to rock or nurse the child to sleep, if that gives you and the child peace, then do so, as often as you feel like it's meeting a need or solving a problem or bringing joy.
Eric and I don't have perfect children, and that can probably be blamed on my dear husband's inability to allow a child to cry without responding to it, no matter how I begged him. He just couldn't take it. And look what we've done to them! Perhaps not a disaster, but think how much better they would have been without all that rocking and singing we did to them!
Actually, I think this has contributed to our financial ineptitude in life, as well--so many hours rocking and singing and reading the children to sleep, when we could have been writing books and developing the baby's independence. We'd be millionaires and talk show guests by now. As it is, we're just commoners.
Of course I am kidding. I will tell you this: Because I enjoyed it so much, I often rocked and nursed and sang them to sleep, as did Eric. When Abe and Jon were 4 and 3 years old and I was pregnant with Madeleine, I was still giving them each a turn on my lap in the rocking chair with a few songs. There were three I always sang, for some reason--never missed them: Tell Me Why, I Gave My Love a Cherry, and There is a Green Hill Far Away. I sang the first two every night in that order, then usually sang some more random songs, and pretty much always finished up with the last. Soon after Madeleine was born, if she was fussy or crying, she would instantly stop if I started one of those songs, especially if we were in the rocking chair. I daresay she often fell asleep by them. (AND LOOK WHAT A MESS WE'VE MADE OF HER!)
In short, Nonie, I say do what love invites you to do and try not to second guess yourself. Dr. Ezzo lacks something you have, which is the gift of the Holy Ghost. Much is out of our hands as parents. Just focus on loving him, teach him about God, and later on teach him right from wrong and leave the rest to the Lord.
How can you and Keenan go wrong?
Love Aunt C
I haven't had a chance to read all the comments, so sorry if this repeats anything. I read "Babywise" before we had Adelynn (now 3 years old). I really liked the recommendations for following a routine. Babies and children need routine, something predictable. It is comforting for them.
I do not agree with having an infant cry themselves to sleep. I read in another sleep book that babies are not ready for that until after at least 5 months of age. Prior to that age, they feel abandoned if left alone to cry. I too tried having Addy "cry it out". I only lasted 5 minutes. I tried again when she was 9 or 10 months old and it was just too traumatizing for both of us. I waited until she was one year old.
That is what I chose to do because it broke my heart to hear her cry. She was finally old enough then and "crying it out" was the only way that worked to teach her to fall asleep on her own.
The best advice I can give is that you are his mother and only you know what is best for him. Pray for guidance and don't let others' negative opinions of your mothering skills (I doubt there are any) sway you from what you know is best for your child.
Dallin is a completely different baby from Adelynn. He sleeps throught the night at less than 4 months old, but I haven't had him cry himself to sleep. Because he is adopted, I am worried about abandonment issues he may have from his birth mom. Even though I didn't give birth to him, I am his mother, and I know him better than anyone else. I can read his signs and his needs and I know he is not ready for that yet.
You are a loving, caring and insightful mother. As for any book you read or advice you ever receive, I say glean what you can, but do what you feel is best. The fact that you posted this question shows have very much you love your little one.
Shantel
Hey Nonie, My general rule was at about three months, I followed a very regular bed time routine, comforting, singing, nursing, the works...binky too, and then, yes, I suffered through serveral days of tortuous crying with a few. Others were more accepting, but all four learned to sleep through the night and pretty much go down with a binky, which was later removed as well. I am sure you're doing great. There are so many wonderful ways to raise a happy loving person. Sam will do great. Just foolow your mommy heart. (I HAD to get them to sleep through the night--because I knew I was not functioning well as a Mom without sleep myself.)
Love you! -Aunt Georgia
Nonie,
You are a wonderful mother to Samuel.
I love the pics of him, he is getting so big! As far as letting him cry himself to sleep, I am definitely not an expert. You would think after having 4 children that I should be, but there is always something new to learn with each one.
It breaks my heart to hear my baby cry, when I can do something to prevent it. Also, they grow up so fast! If it eases your heart to be able to rock and calm him before laying him down, you should do it! You know your baby better than any doctor or expert. Having a regular bedtime routine is so good for a child at every age, and the earlier you start the better. Just be consistent with what you feel inspired to do for Samuel and I am sure you will both be at peace.
-Sharane :)
It is all about the routine. I am a swaddling Nazi I think that it makes a huge difference. Get in to a bed time routine that works for you I liked feeding/burping and quiet song and then a tight swaddle lay them down to do the rest. This way they are calm comforted and ready to sleep. I do believe in his schedule and that they do better on a schedule. If you always put him nap at 10 and 2 then bed at 8 he will become a better sleeper consistently. You are an amazing Mom and trust your heart and do what feels right. For me structure makes me and the baby feel better because we both always know what is coming. Best of luck!
A book that I love is Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham a USU Alum and a super genius. Another book that I heard is great is The Happiest Baby on the Block. It talks a lot about swaddling. That's all the info I have. No experience, just notes from others.
Hi Nonie!
Naturally, having a four month old baby, I have lots of opinions on the matter, and consider myself an expert. :) I personally favor more the ideals in Attachment Parenting (http://www.attachmentparenting.org). I agree with most of the comments- you can't spoil a baby. You have the Holy Ghost. I think it doesn't feel comfortable for a mom to let her baby cry because that's not the right thing to do (I recognize that not all mothers can respond immediately to their babies, because of their work schedule, other babies, etc.). Babies know what they need. They cry because something's wrong. I don't like sleeping by myself either. I sleep with Abe, and I probably will for a while. I put him to sleep in his crib sometimes, including at night if I'm not ready for bed. To quote my lovely mother, "Say yes as often as you can." Samuel's not asking for anyting wrong when he cries at night. He just wants to be by his mother. I figure, Abe will want to be on his own soon enough. I often think of people in other cultures, and how they live in a small dwelling place, all together. I don't believe they are all spoiled by that situation. I think it's worse to have a large house, with all members of the family in different parts, all with headphones on or something. That's what I want to avoid. I want Abraham, and his future sibs to know that they're always welcome to be by me. Hopefully that will translate to a deeper trust and bond as he grows older.
Cuddle him! His babyhood will not last forever, and all too soon he'll stop wanting to cuddle! Enjoy it while you can! You won't have any troubles with him because of who you are and what you already know about kids! Parenting is much harder than teaching, but luckily they do go hand in hand!! :)
Well, I am definitely no expert on this, but I strongly believe you can't spoil a baby (to repeat all the previous comments). I do wish I had let Jamison cry it out earlier than I did. He was almost a year old, and could pull himself up (so he was standing) in his crib, but couldn't get himself down. So I had to go in a lot more than was necessary to help him out. For me, it is necessary to teach them to sleep on their own at night, otherwise I become crazy mommy. But (again to repeat the other comments) you know best for your child, and you will know what to do.
As others have expressed, we agree that Samuel is too young for you to be overly concerned about this. In our experience, we really dislike the "crying it out" method. It didn't do any good to our nerves or our child's (but ours was around 6 months old when we first tried it). I caved in after 2 nights of 2 hours of screaming and vowed it wasn't worth it. In my opinion, the time passes much too quickly and you can only hold onto those precious moments for so long. I have no problem snuggling, cuddling, nursing and rocking my babies to sleep. It won't last forever. Our older three children have all moved on to sleeping in their own beds and they sleep just fine through the night. Currently we are savoring the snuggle time we have with our 7-week-old (since he most likely is our last). And, yes, I frequently think of all the things I "should" be doing instead of rocking my baby, bur right now he has priority and the other things will eventually get taken care of. That's our two cents.
Since you solicited the advice of your baby-less friends, I'll go ahead and add my 2 cents.
Crying to sleep doesn't fit quite right, does it? I think that setting up a "go to sleep routine" might help Samuel prepare for bed the same way every night (like bath, clean diaper, clothes, dinner, soft lights, whatever.)
I've also heard very good things about training a baby to go to sleep using a white noise machine. Apparently, this makes them sleep a little deeper and not startle awake as easily by loud (read: Keenan at the piano) noises.
Hey Nonie,
I haven't read Babywise, but am getting an idea about what it says based on the comments above. I think most of what I think has already been said so hopefully I won't be too lengthy - you already have lots of good advice.
As pretty much everyone has already said, don't worry about spoiling him just yet - he is still such a little guy. I was never a schedule nazi (still am not) and my baby has slept like a dream. When he was Samuel's age I would give him a bath, feed him, sing a few songs, and put him down when he seemed cozy and warm. That worked great for me and he started sleeping through the night at 10 weeks. Now when I lay him down even if he isn't quite ready to sleep, he doesn't cry and just coos to himself until he is tired enough to sleep. I will say this may just be that he is a good sleepr and is not a reflection of my flexible schedule, since others seem to have such good results with lots of scheduling. But it was worked great for us.
You are such a great mom! You will find what works best for you and your little one. Mother's intuition is best.
Nonie,
Hey, sarah sample here. Your baby is so beautiful. My 2 cents: don't worry about sleep training as far as cry it out is concerned until about 3 months. we've done cio with our baby and it worked great, but I think before 3 months is too young. I've read babywise, andI agree with a lot...but I also love the book healthy sleep habits happy baby, it allows for many perspectives and different sleep training approaches. My hubby james is in his pedatric rotation, I know from a medical standpoint that they want babies able to put themselves to sleep by 6 months as a goal. Love to you. my blog is www.sarahandjamesmcdonald.blogspot.com
loves
sarah
good luck, let me know what you decide.
This is a tough one. I did it totally different with my first and learned a rough lesson. The other 3 boys got a different mom. With Davis, I loved, nursed, rocked him to sleep and ended up doing it for a long time. When he was about 18 months...I was convinced of the letting him cry it out (yes still didn't sleep without the rocking and holding) and after days and nights of screaming for 45 minutes at a time, I was beside myself. I don't remember how it all finally worked out,but at 9 he goes to sleep on his own! :)
I read the book The baby whisperer by ? Hogg when I had number 2 and that combined with his personality introduced me to an easier way. The other boys have all followed suit, and I must say it is an easier way (but less snuggly). That doesn't mean that all kids don't go through tough times with sleep. I just have been able to have the boys go to sleep on their own, from the time they are born and it is nice not to hear them cry, that breaks my resolve and heart. That isn't to say that my boys ever (NOT ONE) slept through the night until they were weaned. I can't offer help on that part of sleeping, I easily would feed all night if they wanted...thus no sleep for a year.
Good luck.
Nonie, you sound like such a wonderful mother, as I knew you always would be. My view and experience, is that for me and Marli, it is such a bonding experience putting her to sleep. After the first few months, I put her down while close to sleep and then if she awakened in the middle of the night, she would only cry for a minute or two and put herself back to sleep. It is beneficial for them to be able to soothe themselves, but not at the detriment of the bonding between mother and baby. What I did with Marli, is over a weekend, I let put her down while still awake, but sleepy and she would fall asleep. After a few hours, she would awaken, but I wouldn't go in....I let her soothe herself back to sleep. After 3 days, she was sleeping through the night. A wonderful milestone! I think you are doing a wonderful job and follow your own instincts. You're amazing! -Lolly
i have absolutely no experience in this dept. i think you are smart in seeking out the experiences and opinions of others so i hope you get some good advice. i'm sorry that this has been stressful to you and hope that you can come up with a resoultion sooner or later. good luck!
as with so many facets of parenting, you will find every opinion out there and studies and literature to back up every opinion out there. What you have to do is find your priorities and limits as a parent, and then combine them with the personality and limits of your child. If you make your decisions based on Samuel's best interests, then you will never put your bond with him in jeopardy. My decision to use the Babywise method stemmed as much out of necessity (working around 30 students) as anything, but I found that the structure and clearly laid-out plan were something my type-A personality needed to help get me through those tricky first few months where hormones are wonky and sleep is hard to come by. That's not to say it will work for every parent/child combination; but it certainly worked (and is working well again) for us. What a great mom you are, Nonie!
Hi, sorry to eavesdrop on your blog. I know Ariel and Andrew and she had a link to your blog on her California post. Anyway, I saw this and had to comment.
I have a degree in Human Development and I believe the Babywise method goes against what I learned. First, I think the other of babywise is not a Medical doctor but a reverend or priest type doctor so he really has no background other than his own experience. Second, breastfed babies can't go as long as formula fed babies and so this schedule isn't always healthy and several moms who have tried babywise have had babies diagnosed with failure to thrive. Breastfed babies should ALWAYS be fed on demand to help with milk supply and growth spurts. I do think babies need a schedule, they grow and learn better when they have a dependable schedule and rhythm to their days.
I love what Ariel and others here have said about the same side of this argument. Some books I would recommend for sleep scheduling and sleeping through the night are:
Goodnight, Sleep Tight
The No-Cry Sleep Solution
Twelve Hours Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old (but really any age and be aware of the feeding schedule she suggests)
and anything by Dr. William Sears like The Baby Book and I believe he also has a sleep book
Anyway, I know you posted this a while back and you've probably done whatever you thought best. The others were right, you know your own baby best and what seems natural or not is that way for a reason. Feel free to spy on me now! Haha
Oops, just reading my post....I meant to say the AUTHOR of Babywise, not "other." Sorry.
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